The most important thing to happen in 2014
Have you felt like your voice isn't being heard where it matters most? That your opinions don't matter? Well, they probably don't. However, here at the Battle of California I am trying out some of that crazy democracy stuff I have heard so much about. And now you, the idiots, can make a difference here at the world's number one satirical state-centric hockey blog. And it's with the biggest topics we know: Jerks!
Who's the biggest jerk in the NHL? Corey Perry? Dustin Brown? The ghost of Chris Pronger? It's all up to you! Exciting, right? So starting today, each of the 30 NHL teams will have a few players you could vote for that YOU hate the most! What can I say? I'm a man of the people. So get ready for the first annual Jerk-Off 2014! Today will feature the best team in the NHL devoid of color on their jerseys, the Los Angeles Kings! The complete schedule is below.
| Date | Team |
| Thu Jan 2, 2014 | Kings |
| Sat Jan 4, 2014 | Canucks |
| Tue Jan 7, 2014 | Wild |
| Thu Jan 9, 2014 | Bruins |
| Sat Jan 11, 2014 | Red Wings |
| Mon Jan 13, 2014 | Rangers |
| Thu Jan 16, 2014 | Blues |
| Sat Jan 18, 2014 | Predators |
| Mon Jan 20, 2014 | Devils |
| Tue Jan 21, 2014 | Blue Jackets |
| Thu Jan 23, 2014 | Ducks |
| Sat Jan 25, 2014 | Islanders |
| Mon Jan 27, 2014 | Sharks |
| Tue Jan 28, 2014 | Senators |
| Thu Jan 30, 2014 | Penguins |
| Sat Feb 1, 2014 | Flyers |
| Mon Feb 3, 2014 | Blackhawks |
| Thu Feb 6, 2014 | Stars |
| Wed Feb 26, 2014 | Avalanche |
| Thu Feb 27, 2014 | Flames |
| Sat Mar 1, 2014 | Hurricanes |
| Mon Mar 3, 2014 | Canadiens |
| Thu Mar 6, 2014 | Jets |
| Sun Mar 9, 2014 | Oilers |
| Mon Mar 10, 2014 | Lightning |
| Thu Mar 13, 2014 | Maple Leafs |
| Sat Mar 15, 2014 | Sabres |
| Mon Mar 17, 2014 | Coyotes |
| Thu Mar 20, 2014 | Capitals |
| Sat Mar 22, 2014 | Panthers |
| Mon Mar 24, 2014 | Wild Card |
| Tue Mar 25, 2014 | Avery Division |
| Thu Mar 27, 2014 | Shanahan Division |
| Sat Mar 29, 2014 | Roy Division |
| Mon Mar 31, 2014 | Pronger Division |
| Wed Apr 2, 2014 | Eastern Conference Semis |
| Thu Apr 3, 2014 | Western Conference Semis |
| Sat Apr 5, 2014 | Eastern Conference Finals |
| Wed Apr 9, 2014 | Western Conference Finals |
| Thu Apr 10, 2014 | FINALS |
| Sat Apr 12, 2014 | WINNERS! |
See? Very official.
So instead of my pathetic game recaps that I attempt at the end of each post, you'll get a brief summary of the nominees for the biggest jerk. I'll simply be your right hand man in reaching a climactic decision. There will be a representative from each team, a wild card round (just like the NHL, because I stay up on trends), divisional match-ups, all that fun crap that's like a league. Except you get to participate! If no one votes (which is a huge possibility) I choose the winner and I will bore you to tears. It's in your hands, so don't fuck this up, assholes. Also, if you don't like the guys I choose, list your own preference. This is really just a ploy to get more comments.
So for the L.A. Kings here's your nominees for The Jerk-Off 2014:
Daniel Carcillo
Daniel "Gorilla Salad" Carcillo has long been one of the most hated figures in the NHL. It's slightly diminished lately since he has joined the Blackhawks and now the Kings, mostly because he doesn't play much anymore. He's a noted pest, and occasional dirty hitter. He also tweets about being knuckles deep into a female and asking about daddy issues. Plus, he looks fucking disgusting.
Dustin Brown
I never got this. Never. Why do people hate Dustin so much? I can only assume it's because he plays so hard and is loved by so many.
Drew Doughty
Doughty is a bit of a trash-talker. He's made jacking-off motions towards opponents and really just comes across as smug from time to time. He's also young, talented, and really rich. What a jerk.
Ben Scrivens
Not your first pick? Not surprising. Yet Scrivens is one of those elitist, pretentious douche bags that went to Cornell while the rest of us got stuck over at Ithaca. I can't believe this guy. Cornell? You prick. Also, TED Talks are for nerds.
Prediction: Kings keep losing because, hey, why not?
